Middle age and mortality

[RizzeeDizzee]

As I believe most know, I'm no spring chicken, well into middle age. For a while that just meant things like needing to eat less every few years to maintain my weight plus more aches and pains than I used to get, but also joys like watching my kids grow and gaining even more life experience.

But it's been a difficult couple of years. The best man at my wedding dropped dead of a heart attack - in front of his kids - at age 55. He wasn't the picture of great health, but not at all a ticking time bomb either. Then just last week I learned one of my close group of friends from high school - only 54 - lost her battle with cancer and has entered hospice.

These have been huge gut punches; but other than that, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. Lucky it's them not me? Sure, although that seems selfish. Start YOLOing more? That really isn't in my DNA. I guess the takeaway is I don't have to go and skydive or bungee jump or do all sorts of "bucket list" stuff just in case, but instead appreciate life more and stop taking it for granted to the extent I was?

Has anyone at or near this stage of their life had similar experiences? What helped you through it?

[senryu]

Turned 50 this year. Have two kids, 9 and 6.

Clearly, no one knows the day and hour their clock strikes. To some extent there's nothing you can do. I think of Jim Fixx, who, more than anyone else, popularized the idea of jogging for exercise in America. Dead at 52 of a heart attack. (FYI, he had just about every genetic variable against him, so the running unscientficallly probably gave him another decade.) The corollary of this is that you can't really draw conclusions about others. My best friend of literally 46 years has a pacemaker because his heart periodically races to 300 bpm and will die if his pacemaker malfunctions and he's not next to a hospital. Those are the cards he was dealt. I certainly feel the specter of death more than I used to. It is statistically very certain that more than half of my life is over. The degree to which celebrity/athlete deaths hit me is much harder now. Tim Wakefield passing at 52 or so a few months back was a stunner.

As far as my attitude to all of this goes, it ties in with my wife and kids. Everything I do is for them. Part of that is being capable, meaning physically capable. While the sense of mortality is more out there, I've decided that to the degree I can, I need to be able to do things for them and to not be too tired or or too weak to play with them or do activities. I'm lucky enough to have a metabolism that lets me be active; on my 50th birthday I was the same weight as I was in high school. But I've started strength training because I want to be helping my kids move into their college dorms. Given that everyone has their own mortality to deal with, I'm just focusing on what I can do to be the best I can for my family.

The other thing is moving work lower in priority. Saying yes to more events and more vacations, even little ones. I'm lucky that, as a business owner, I can dictate some of my terms, so I'm trying to make it so that more time is allotted for experiences big and small. And I'm also trying to say yes to more things and to try things I wouldn't normally have tried. I don't feel that there's a race to get every human life experience done due to a ticking clock. But my viewpoint now is broader and more relaxed than it has been in the past. I think that comes with age anyway; it isn't unique to me.

I can't control death or when it comes for myself or others, but I can control (to a point) my ability to be mentally and physically there for the people in my life. That's the gameplan for as long as I can sustain it. Also, I need to stay sharp for when Michkov comes over, as I'm expecting 70 points out of the gate.

[Belexus75]

ill be 49 this year, also got 2 kids 9 and 12. My 12 year old has many issues and is full time job. Its big stress, maybe not a present as we got used to it, but the fact that we dont know what future brings.

I just make sure i do my phisicals every year and i do all recomended tests and ask for few extras....thats all you can really do.

As for mental health, i deal with it every day with my child and that maybe why i dont have time to feel depresed myself. I got town days (beginning of Spring, which is now is usually the worst) but overall i cope and move on day by day.

When i was 30, my dad got diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer and was given 50% chance of survival. He is still with us at age 84, he won his batter and now is battling old age only...

for first 2 years after his surgery i found about 10 different cancers in my body but all of them turned out to be a symptom of anxiety and not reality. We all got our battles to fight and well need to go through it. Some of us do die, and some die too early. But truth is that human body is pretty strong for most parts and with todays technology, if you get checked often enough, chances are you will live long life. Just don't ignore anything and your chances are pretty high.

[Feenom]

Sorry to hear that. I lost 2 close friends and miss them dearly. 1 died at 49 the other at 56. Heart attack and cancer respectively. Makes you remember the good times. I got 2 kids 18 and 22 both boys, seems like they are maturing later because they act like life is “oh well”. Life is truly precious so enjoy the moments and always remember the good times past, present and future.

If I got one wish is to have my kids stay at ages 3 and 7 forever. I really miss them young when they were hanging around my wife and I like we meant something to them. And you are right B, keep the regular check ups coming. And cheers to your health!!

[rataylor22]

I am not of this age group, so I don't have anything to chime in to "help" so to speak.

Instead, what I would recommend, is pick up Peter Attia's book "Outlive" (physical copy, e-book, audio book, whatever). Some if it is medical/technical, most of it is not. But it's specifically focused on longevity and things you can do/change to help live longer/healthier. It's never to late to start making changes, if that's something you're interested in.

[Daydream Nation]

It's nice to know that some of the regulars I talk hockey with on this forum are in the same demographic as me and are having some of the same thoughts. I turn 50 in one month and have a 14 and a 10 year-old. I'm not really worried about imminent declining health since I keep myself in very good shape and feel great physically. My dad lived a train wreck of a life and he made it to 80 so I know I have great longevity genes. However, there's no denying that approaching 50 is bothering me. As someone who has always been fit, athletic, handsome it is kinda depressing to see it slowly disappearing. I do have more YOLO moments and some of my decisions reflect that. I just bought a mountain bike and started riding again after a 25-year hiatus. I kept saying I'd get back into it and I realized it was getting to be now or never time. A pedal-drive kayak is next.

In terms of how I deal with it, I have embraced stoicism over the last couple years and it has helped tremendously in all facets of life. I try to focus on living in the moment and discard conditional happiness. I am planning on reading Carl Honore's book Bolder: Making the Most of Our Longer Lives. I was listening to him on a podcast and he told the story of being at some big beer league hockey tournament and realizing he was the oldest player there. It inspired him to study aging across different cultures. He stated that writing the book put him at ease and that he now embraces aging and the opportunities it provides. Definitely something I want to check out.

[Axeman33]

Well I certainly fit into this age group and then some.

I am about to turn 55 this summer, at least that's what my birth certificate says. My mind still thinks I am 25 although my body is starting to show wear and tear. I broke my clavicle back in 2010 and it's still causing me issues and I am now going in for shoulder surgery mid May to try and alleviate some of the pain I suffer on a daily basis. I am still extremely active though. Still play hockey 2-3 times a week and my job keeps me moving. No issues getting my 10k steps in every day.

One benefit of being in the military is regular medical checkups. Not an option. They look for everything so thats a good thing.

My biggest downfall is my love of beer. My blood sugars are always in that "pre-diabetic" range when I do my bloodwork every two years but as long as they stay there, I am not too worried about it. At my age, I am not going to change much and willing to take my chances with whatever comes along. Like most, there's a history of cancer in my family so that's always a concern but again, it's something they look for. It's what got my father 7 years ago and it's my wife's biggest fear for me. What can you do.

I always say, I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of what I'll miss. That will never change either.

[Pengwin7]

Age definitely sets in (I believe) moreso when you lose your peers & parents.
My own parents are early 80s... and when one goes... I think I'll feel it big time.
My graduating class of 2001, civil engineers, has lost 2 of 70 thus far. We stay in touch with email every 5 or so years.
One to cancer just after he turned 30.
One to a heart attack as he got near 40.
About 60 guys, 10 girls.
Both played intramural sports.
There's some amount of 1/50 Russian Roulette out there... for all of us.

I echo a lot of the feelings here.
Many of us are older with younger kids... I'm edging close to 50 and my kids are 10 & 14.
One is a LOT of work... like when you multiple teacher's tell you "I haven't had a kid like this (and they aren't meaning in a "good way")".
That shit can wear you down.
My wife is handicapped. She does less every year. So I have to do more. That wears me down.
Time disappears. I gave up playing hockey because the late-night games cut into my sleep and lack of sleep was affecting my work.
Shit. Shitty shit. Pick your poison.

I had to run to the busstop yesterday because I got busy for work and almost missed picking up my kid.
Things were jiggling that I didn't want to be jiggling.

IDK.
But I do find a lot of comfort from this little community.
Even when we all get into it from time-to-time over trivial fantasy hockey...
It's good to be communicating stories here & there with other men our ages.
It helps.
I think it helps more than we know.

So - big thanks to all of you - and to Dobber - for his public battle.
If we live long enough... the technology will be there to plunk us into brand spanking new technologically-perfect human body forms.
Oh man... and the fun we'll have.
(Well, probably the women will have fun being plunked into similar bodies and showing off what they can do with them).

A+ thread.
You are good guys.


Medically - the best piece of advice I've heard is to get check-ups just for "tracking levels".
Tracking levels are good for pattern recognition and the medical world can do a lot with that.
Hypocritically, I haven't been to a doctor in 15 years.
Because I'm a big wuss who faints in a room with a doctor talking... seriously... I hate that shit.
[I barely make it out of COVID & flu shot appointments... like barely... needles and me are not friends.]
I don't know why it happens - but it always has - and I hate being a fainting liability that needs nurse attention because he just fainted for no reason.
(I have to leave the room if any medical drama is on with actual blood or operating or critical direness...)
I don't go because I hate the eye rolls. But I need to. I will. Fugg. This year.

[RizzeeDizzee]

Wow - you know I really agonized about making this thread, fearing it either wouldn't resonate with many or might be seen as a bit too much of a dose of reality in an arena where we come to escape. But hearing from several of you and being able to commiserate with your experiences has really been a positive. I hope others chime in, and this emboldens folks to "get real" here more often. Of course we don't want to have the boards to provide too much of an IRL feel, especially of bitter pills, but there definitely is room for people to open up and lean on the community for advice and support.

[Belexus75]

Wow - you know I really agonized about making this thread, fearing it either wouldn't resonate with many or might be seen as a bit too much of a dose of reality in an arena where we come to escape. But hearing from several of you and being able to commiserate with your experiences has really been a positive. I hope others chime in, and this emboldens folks to "get real" here more often. Of course we don't want to have the boards to provide too much of an IRL feel, especially of bitter pills, but there definitely is room for people to open up and lean on the community for advice and support.

you know we all argue about fantasy hockey, sometimes gets heated and sometimes personal but when it comes to RL issues and specially serious topic like this one its much easier to get compassion.

i hope you get over any demons you may have and enjoy next 30-40 or maybe even 50 years of your life! GL!

[blayze]

I'm 41 - a little younger than most of you guys - with 2 toddlers (3 and 2). Right now it's all about day to day survival for me.

Since having kids it does feel like time is passing me by way faster - seeing them develop, how fast the birthdays seem to come back around... it really hits me hard. More recently I had some former colleagues and other friends from highschool die (some of them rather abruptly and completely unexpected). That hits you hard to... and it seems to be happening with more frequency, a clear sign of my mortality.

Anyway, what I've committed to myself is to make my time with my kids a priority - enjoying the day to day moments, the trips to the park, the nightly tuck-ins, picking them up from nursery school when I get to WFH. I'm putting work on the back seat (not ignoring it, but just not letting it dictate my life like it used to in my 20-30s) and prioritizing family and my mom who's 80 and lives in our basement. Thankfully I've had a successful career and don't have to worry about money so that's a huge advantage I'm grateful for that many others don't have the luxury of. I read this crazy statistic that 80% of your time spent over your entire lifetime with your kids happens by the time they're 12. How insane is that?!?

I've also committed to being healthier - not necessarily for myself because good food is a big weakness of mine, but to extend my longevity so I can be there for my family physically and mentally. Eating less cheat meals, having a regular running routine, trying my best to sleep earlier. Thankfully exercise has always been a core part of my life balance so that's easy, but the food and sleep are hard, especially with how time constrained we are with the kids at this young age but it'll get better.

Anyway - I feel you guys. Life is short. Savor it. Don't wait for that heart attack to make positive changes to your life. Control what you can control, but don't worry too much about the rest.

[everfeb]

Hey Guys. Lots of very good writers and writing here I must say.
So I'm coming up to 77, quite a bit older than most posters so far. My advice. Don't get COCKY guys if you have good health at 50. That's really not a big deal..you should have. Why do I say "don't get cocky". Up to 70 I had most childhood diseases of the day, some dental issues and pneumonia a few times. That...was...it! Kinda thought I was bullet proof...even though I smoked almost all of my entire life (except the last 3), (my parents both smoked in the house and all my uncles too) ...my Dad had 5 heart attacks and came down with diabetes which eventually killed him at age 85 and a lot of lousy years before he died. Mom lived to 85 also. So ya right, bulletproof lol...had high blood pressure a TIA (mini stroke) at 71. Diagnosed with COPD at 72. Had a big abdominal aneurism on my aorta at 73, 3 years ago. It was found "incidentally" and a major surgery and 3 more smaller ones since saved my life. If an aneurism (generally caused by high blood pressure with no symptoms) ruptures you die unless you can get to a hospital fast.
These days I don't feel to bad. My advice is no more than what you've heard for years...eat a balanced diet, limit the crap, cut way back on salt...once you get started with a healthy diet just get right back at it if you fall off off. Exercise....unless you are training to go to the Olympics you don't need to kill yourself. I walk 30 minutes a day 6 days a week. I'd like to do more but am limited by this friggen COPD. 30 minutes a day 6x a week is kind of a starting place Again, if you fall off...just get back on. Buy a blood pressure monitor and check your BP 2-3 or more times a week. High Blood pressure is a silent killer with NO SYMPTOMS leading to all kinds of health issues, particularly stroke. If you fall off the taking your blood pressure just get back at it. The sooner you get started and back at it regarding Diet, Exercise and High Blood Pressure the better off you'll be.

Hope you all live to a ripe old age in good health.

[RizzeeDizzee]

One thing I will say, although of course not everyone is the same and my advice should not replace that of a physician, but boy oh boy do Statins work. After four months my bad cholesterol took a nosedive, and no side effects. I started after having chest pains in 2023 and my Troponin (heart marker) level was very elevated, which led to a CT scan, which revealed my heart had "severe" plaque. But when they did stress tests they found my heart functionality was unaffected as yet, so probably I caught things just in time to prevent them from worsening, and now the Statin should act to prevent further plaque build up. Oh, and I'm only 53 and am 6'1'' and 170 pounds, don't smoke, don't drink alcohol, don't eat red meat, and walk vigorously for 30+ minutes a day. My cardiologist joked that I already don't do all the things he usually has to tell people to stop doing.

[blayze]

One thing I will say, although of course not everyone is the same and my advice should not replace that of a physician, but boy oh boy do Statins work. After four months my bad cholesterol took a nosedive, and no side effects. I started after having chest pains in 2023 and my Troponin (heart marker) level was very elevated, which led to a CT scan, which revealed my heart had "severe" plaque. But when they did stress tests they found my heart functionality was unaffected as yet, so probably I caught things just in time to prevent them from worsening, and now the Statin should act to prevent further plaque build up. Oh, and I'm only 53 and am 6'1'' and 170 pounds, don't smoke, don't drink alcohol, don't eat red meat, and walk vigorously for 30+ minutes a day. My cardiologist joked that I already don't do all the things he usually has to tell people to stop doing.

How did you accumulate all that heart plaque if you've been living so disciplined?

[RizzeeDizzee]

How did you accumulate all that heart plaque if you've been living so disciplined?

Poor food choices is my guess, plus some bad genetics, as cardiac issues run in my mother’s side. Also, although I didn’t eat in excess but what I did eat was fatty and fried. And no fruits or vegetables.