1. Various Philadelphia area media members will come increasingly under fire amidst persistent rumors emanating from Los Angeles, and confirmed by anonymous sources in Columbus that their partying "has become a problem"
Push. There are still rumors about the Philly media coming out of LA, but the confirmations out of Columbus mysteriously stopped a few weeks ago.
2. Thomas Vokoun will have a terrible season, but his poor performance will be attributed not to the erosion of his skills due to his advancing age, but instead will be blamed on his being somewhat distracted due to the repeated police questioning regarding the mysterious disappearance of his former agent.
Push. Vokoun IS having a terrible season, but it's Alex Ovechkin that has disappeared, not Vokoun's agent.
3. What starts as a trickle of angry emails directed at Gary Bettman in December and January, will by March grow into an avalanche as dozens of Atlanta Thrashers fans begin to realize that they no longer have an NHL team.
Miss, but there's still time to for them to notice.
4. The same thing happens in New Jersey as Martin Brodeur realizes that he doesn't either.
Miss, Lou Lamoriello is the prince of darkness, and the devil's can't be killed.
5. Despite the success of last season's Stan Lee inspired "Guardian" project, this season's bold new "NHL Pokeman" campaign will be brought to a sudden standstill when someone neglects to punch airholes in the crate, and the LA Kings Pokémon character tragically, arrives dead. Thankfully, the campaign is eventually able to be resumed thanks to the aid of helpful Edmonton Oiler team doctors who assure Kings GM Dean Lombardi that the Pokémon character is merely "resting" and will be just fine in a few days.
Miss. It was the King's offense that tragically arrived dead.
6. Attempting to capitalize on the excitement and good will generated by the return of an NHL team to the area, Gary Bettman tries to persuade Versus to televise the team's first home game. Unfortunately, Versus declines, citing a history of poor ratings for broadcasts involving the Florida Panthers.
Hit. Versus indeed, did miss out on an opportunity to take advantage of the excitement generated by the return of an NHL team Sunrise Florida.
7. After a summer spent working out with Gary Roberts, a rejuvenated Rick DiPietro reports to camp completely healthy and in the best shape of his life, he will then reel off twenty five consecutive starts to start the season, before the streak is suddenly ended when embarrassed Islanders officials are forced to admit, that now that they've actually had a chance to see him play regularly, they realize he's not nearly as good as they thought he'd be.
Miss. DiPietro did sign up to train with Roberts, but was injured by a protein shake during orientation, and is listed as week to week.
8. Tyler Seguin will score on a backhander at 4:09 of the second period to giver the Bruins a 1-0 lead in their opening night game against the Flyers, ...prompting the immediate benching and demotion to third string of Ilya Bryzgalov, and the recall of Michael Leighton from the AHL between periods. Seguin will score two more goals in the third period sparking riots in Toronto.
Miss. Bryzgalov was only demoted to the second string, summoned to the GMs office for a meeting, confronted by the team's leadership group, banned from speaking to reporters, and lambasted in the media. not demoted to third string.
...and there was no rioting in Toronto, as Tim Connelly has made Leafs fans forget all about Tyler Seguin.
9. Sometime in January, Sean Avery will shock the hockey world when he "comes out" of the closet, ...sadly, he will be promptly subjected to abuse and death threats, ....from an outraged gay community who demand that he immediately go back in. A beleaguered Gary Bettman is forced to intervene when the equally irate hetro community refuses to acknowledge him as one of their's either. Eventually, united by the common ground they share in their disgust for Avery, the issue of gay rights is settled peacefully, and amicably as both sides agree that it's only marriages involving Sean Avery that need to be banned, ...religous leaders quickly agree, and a new era of peace and equality is born. Eventually diplomats are able to bring peace to the middle east, reconciling Arabs and Jews based on the common bond they too share in their mutual disdain of Avery.
Miss. the diplomats are still working on this one.
10. After being summoned for a disciplinary hearing as a result of his blatant elbow to the head of Nick Lidstrom during the Pens opening night match against the Red Wings, a still bleeding and visibly shaken Matt Cooke emerges from Brendan Shanahan's office claiming meekly that "I fell", and then mysteriously announcing his immediate retirement from the NHL. Later the disciplinary office releases a statement saying only that "The situation has been handled" and offering no explanation as to whether any fines or suspensions were given. Strangely, Mario Lemieux refuses to comment, ...as do Eric Goddard, Trevor Gillies, Dan Carcillo, Sean Avery, Patrick Kaleta, Jarkko Ruutu, and Ben Eager, ...who oddly enough, shortly thereafter all announce their immediate retirements too.
Miss. After a promising start, it was a still bleeding and visibly shaken Shanahan who emerged from a board of governor's meeting meekly saying: "...no suspension was warranted."
11. A devestated Hockeyrobot won't find out about this thread for months, ...but despite his bitter disappointment at missing out on the fun, will vow to participate next year.
Remember, you read 'em here first.