Firstly, Let me get this written down here before I get any hate-mail. I completely understand that this issue is extremely important and by no means do I take the subject lightly. However, while contemplating the serious head-shot/blindside issue, my lighter side got the better of me. Here are some unhelpful, yet inventive (and possibly lucrative) suggestions that you will definitely not hear from the NHL GM's:
1. Have a red holographic octagon (yes in the shape of a STOP sign) projected on the ice around the player with the puck when they are in a vulnerable position. Sort of like the first down line we see on NFL broadcasts.
2. I'm surprised this one hasn't been suggested before; Bubble-wrap previously concussed players heads. Just remember to poke air holes around the nose and mouth.
3. Any action that results in a player being carted off the ice on a stretcher, automatic 20-game suspension. It's just bad optics for the game (coincidentally, we may see a significant rise in players being stretchered off the ice).
4. Institute a new rule where the hitter MUST make and hold eye contact before initiating body contact. This rule may actually help get the 13-year-old phenoms into the NHL faster because most of them skate around with their heads down anyway and with the new rule, they become untouchable. Imagine the career numbers Eric Lindros could have put up if this rule were in effect before his head met Scott Stevens?
5. If the NHL doesn't allow any more head shots, how will we know what the players look like? Will they have to start drawing sketches into the media guides and programs? Oh wait, they don't mean the photo kind of head shots, do they? Oopsy.
6. Have repeat offenders skate with parachutes during games to slow them down. That way if they do happen to try something nasty again, they are less likely to do serious damage. The NHL could sell advertising on the chutes. Sound like a win-win situation if you ask me.
7. Force the offending player to nursemaid the injured player back to health. You know, buy groceries, cook, dim the lights, escort him to physio, get him a glass of water in the middle of the night, those types of things, until the injured player is ready to return to action. Think of the sitcoms/reality shows and potential friendships that could come out of this! Man, this could lead to a national TV contract on the Fox network! Are you listening Gary?
8. If the offending player "left his feet" and subsequently injures a player, add lead weights to the offenders skates for a number of games. This way the players feet will stay firmly planted on the ice.
9. Install airbags in all helmets that will go off when a significant amount of force is applied to the head. This would automatically protect the players that are knocked unconscious and do even more damage when their heads/faces smack off the ice.
10. Have side mirrors with blind spot warning radar installed on all helmets. There won't be any further delays cleaning up the debris on the ice from broken mirrors because there is already a constant stream of broken sticks that we won't even notice.
11. Hook up (okay, create one first) a kill-switch/immobilizer suit to a player coming back from suspension. The suit would temporarily lock the players limbs upon pressing of a button. The button would be controlled by a league assigned "parole officer". A good choice would be a player forced to retire due to concussions. That parole officer would travel with him for a set number of games until the league is satisfied that the player has learned his lesson.
Again, the above was only meant in jest. I hope that the NHL GM's can figure out how to deal with blindside hits and head shots without taking away from the physicality that makes this game the greatest in the world.
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The Lighter (Blind)Side
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