Video for A Few Good Men

It recently came to my attention that there aren’t nearly enough fantasy hockey movies in Hollywood. Actually, if my cursory google search is correct,there are ZERO fantasy hockey movies. Unfortunately I don’t have millions of dollars to produce a film and fix the problem. So instead, we’ll just have to re-imagine a classic film as if it were written about your pool.


JESSEP
Sometimes men take matters into their
own hands in head-to-head formats.


KAFFEE
No sir. You made it clear just a
moment ago that your fantasy GMs never take
matters into their own hands. Your
men follow orders or teams lose weekly matchups. So
Datsyuk shouldn’t have been in any
danger at all, should he have,
Colonel?


JESSEP
You little bastard.


KAFFEE
If Kendrick told his men that Datsyuk
wasn’t to be touched, then why did
he have to be traded for Dany Heatley and a bag of used pucks?




KAFFEE
Kendrick ordered the code red, didn’t
he? Because that’s what you told
Kendrick to do. You told him to get rid of Datsyuk


ROSS
Object!


KAFFEE
And when it went bad, and there were no trade offers, you cut Datsyuk lose for nothing, dealing him to the top team.


ROSS
Your Honor –


KAFFEE
You had Markinson sign a phony
trade proposal for Heatley


ROSS
Judge –


KAFFEE
You doctored Heatley’s stats to make it look like he was a useful asset! He hasn’t broken 80 points since 2010! Almost 5 years!


ROSS
Damnit Kaffee!!


KAFFEE
I’ll ask for the forth time. You
ordered –


JESSEP
You want answers?


KAFFEE
I think I’m entitled to them.


JESSEP
You want answers?!


KAFFEE
I want the truth.


JESSEP
You can’t handle the truth!


JESSEP
Son, we live in a world that has
fantasy hockey leagues. And those leagues have to be
guarded by elite forward assets, one’s with dual center and winger eligibility. Who’s gonna
do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I
have a greater responsibility than
you can possibly fathom. You weep
for Datsyuk and you curse the
pool and the fact no one ever put in a commissioners veto. You have that luxury. You
have the luxury of not knowing what
I know: That Datsyuk’s trade, while
tragic, probably saved multiple fantasy teams. And my
existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves poolies and allows this keeper league to continue.
You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk
about over twitter, or on Pinterest, you want me in that fantasy league. You need me there.
We use words like goals, assists, shots… we use these words as the
backbone to a life spent chasing your dad’s old bowling trophy that’s now used as the league’s championship. You use ‘em as a punchline.


I have neither the time nor the
inclination to explain myself to a
man who makes weekly player adds and drops under the
blanket of the very fantasy league I provide,
then questions the manner in which I
provide it. I’d prefer you just said
thank you and went on your way, reading The Hockey News and thinking about next years draft and whether Okposo is “for real”
Otherwise, I suggest you start a new league and try to find 10 other managers to follow you. Either way,
I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to.


KAFFEE
(quietly)
Did you order the code red of Datysuk? Dealing him in a keeper league from the worst team to the best, for only Daniel James Heatley?


JESSEP
I did the job you sent me to do.


KAFFEE
Did you order the code red!?!?


JESSEP
You’re goddamn right I did!!