Getting married on Friday... Advise?

[Stringer]

Wow great responses - Thanks Everyone!

[Pengwin7]

Congrats man!

I'm coming up on 7 years with my wife.
10 years we've known each other.

1. If you are asking for advice... you are a solid person already. People that ask for advice, I find, are among the most quality people in the world. It takes a huge level of maturity to know you have room to improve.

2. Short-term advice for your wedding night:
*Don't feel obliged to say a speech. I did not. If you do, keep it short. Thank everybody for coming on your very special day. And say you feel blessed (or whatever word works for "you") to start this journey with your wife. That's enough.
*Stay close to her all night. I've seen couples separate to be with "their friends" and thank "their relatives". No, don't do that. Stay together. I've been to 20-30 weddings over the past 10 years. The couples that have been glued to each other on their wedding nights - have gone on strong. Those that spent significant time apart chatting with their own friends or their own relatives, have broken apart. I mean... you obviously can't force this... but it's just something I've noticed.
*SHIT. WILL. GO. WRONG. 3-4 things will not go perfectly on your wedding night. I would even advise subtly mentioning to your wife-to-be this fact. If you prepare yourself that the perfect wedding won't happen - you'll feel less stress when it does go wrong.

3. Long-term advice for being married:
The magical tingly feeling wears off. It does. And women... women ESPECIALLY are always looking towards the next thing. (at least mine is). Have that planned in your head and be ready for it. Guys... we like to achieve something great and then take some time off - women roll right on to thinking about the next thing. This can (& will, I predict) be the first big disconnect in most relationships. I bought my house before my wife & I got married. All of our friends have nicer houses because they spent their whole budget on their house. But we are constantly "improving"... and that gives us something to always look forward to. Home improvement is not for everybody - and some couples plan trips/vacations as their something to look forward to (pre-baby making era). Life does not go smoothly - and you also need money & time & patience to deal with those bumps. Sometimes you get stuck in mud (like... not being able to get pregnant, been there - sucks). At those points, realize that you need to be a rock for her. This also means that you will be horribly stressed if you can not vent... and your vent... (wait for this)... needs to be somebody that is NOT your wife. Yup, figure out who that person is... your mom, your dad, your best friend. A lot is said about the strength of the couple - but you need a good support network to make it work. Your wife needs more than you for her overall happiness. You need to be the rock that constantly loves her and reminds her what a wonderful person she is. That will take you very far.


Enjoy your day.
It will go by fast.

[fungchen3]

It will go by fast.

So true. Try to enjoy the day as much as possible. It's a blur and could be overwhelming.

[Shiva Blaster]

Don't do it, that's my only advice. I personally don't believe in conforming to the notion of traditional marriage, and don't feel the need to go through elaborate lengths and considerable expense just to put a label on something. Sorry man, that's honestly just how I see it.

[Chuk]

I have been married for almost 9 years and with the same woman for over 16. We are not alike at all and if you knew us separately there is no way that you would see us as a couple.
But it works, because we work at it. Marriage is not easy, because it is an ever changing dynamic, just like any relationship. So here is what I have:

"There are no victories just levels of defeat." -This is not a negative reflection on marriage, just a reality that everything is a work in progress. My buddies and I use this as a mantra all the time, mainly because we all are happily married.

"Even when you win and argument, you lose" - An important lesson that ties to the previous one. You will have many arguments, fights and even battles, but learning to "win and lose" gracefully is extremely important. Admitting when you are wrong and backing off when you are right are huge lessons to learn.

If you plan on waking up and going to bed with this person for the rest of your life, all victories and defeats are done together.

Just be a decent human being and remember that you love each other. At the end of the day, that is all that matters.

(SHIVA - marriage is not conforming to anything. You do it because you want to, not because you have to. The "put a label on it" sounds really immature and silly, more like a teeny sitcom than real life. I actually laughed when I read it.)

[Darren_Kennedy]

Just make sure she supports your fantasy hockey obsession and understands why you you're busy reading box scores and watching games for 8 months of the year!

[jcairns]

Don't do it, that's my only advice. I personally don't believe in conforming to the notion of traditional marriage, and don't feel the need to go through elaborate lengths and considerable expense just to put a label on something. Sorry man, that's honestly just how I see it.

Except if he has no problem with the notion of marriage, then that shouldn't matter. I'm neutral on the matter, but wouldn't tell someone not to do it if that were my stance. Don't take away from his joy!

[Shiva Blaster]

Except if he has no problem with the notion of marriage, then that shouldn't matter. I'm neutral on the matter, but wouldn't tell someone not to do it if that were my stance. Don't take away from his joy!

There's gotta be a realist in this thread, after all, he asked......just sayin' my piece in case he is on the fence about it. The statistics on marriage failure speak for themselves, and I've seen many a buddy have their lives torn apart and themselves set back 10+ years financially after getting divorced only a few years in......none of them had a problem with the notion of marriage before that, but now they all sing a different tune.

Yes, it is an exciting event, but you gotta be 1000% sure, committed, and realistic about the massive amount of work it is to keep a marriage together in today's society. People also need to be aware of the risks (financial and otherwise).....I just think a lot of people get married way too young (OP is only in his mid-20's) and take the decision to get hitched too lightly. I don't go around telling people not to get married, but if someone is and asks for an opinion on the matter, mine is to not do it. I don't really care if that's not politically correct, everyone talks about marriages and weddings like it's all sunshine and roses, but the statistics show that close to 60% of people that get married DEFINITELY should not have. I'm just a realist about these matters.

OP, if you are 100% sure this is the right thing for you and you are ready to sign over all your independence at a young age, then ignore my jaded views and go for it and good luck! If you are having second thoughts though (which could be why you started this post), then it's better to consider those now and delay the event, than it is to realize too late that you made a mistake.

[Bomm Bastic]

Just make sure she supports your fantasy hockey obsession and understands why you you're busy reading box scores and watching games for 8 months of the year!

Best advice yet! Checking hockey scores, stats, updates, alerts, and tweets thru the night hours on your phone or computer can cause a less confident gal to become jealous or suspicious. My wife just mocks me...God love her.

EDIT: p.s. a best friend of mine once told me, a man should work on improving his negatives each day. best advice I have ever had.

[newfcollins]

*Disclaimer: saying "don't do it!" doesn't count as advise.

Don't do it, that's my only advice.

I know you're trying to defend your position a bit later on, but he specifically asked for people not to say that.

[havanablast21]

I know you're trying to defend your position a bit later on, but he specifically asked for people not to say that.

Agreed Shiv. Out of respect for the OP's request, I'd recommend stepping back on your views which you are entitled to have. But he specifically asked to not say that... You kinda shit on his thread. Uncool IMO.

[Stringer]

....

OP, if you are 100% sure this is the right thing for you and you are ready to sign over all your independence at a young age, then ignore my jaded views and go for it and good luck! If you are having second thoughts though (which could be why you started this post), then it's better to consider those now and delay the event, than it is to realize too late that you made a mistake.

Lol! I never had any doubts. I just want tips on what makes a successful marriage.

If you are a crusty, selfish person and you don't trust your partner - those are the unhappy people.
If you put your partner before yourself and make an attempt to work at marriage together - Happy people.

A relationship can never be built on lust, but some people can't distinguish the difference between lust and love. Those couples should probably look very hard at what they have before committing.
Maybe that is the issue with your friends.

[Gaborlick]

There's gotta be a realist in this thread, after all, he asked......just sayin' my piece in case he is on the fence about it. The statistics on marriage failure speak for themselves, and I've seen many a buddy have their lives torn apart and themselves set back 10+ years financially after getting divorced only a few years in......none of them had a problem with the notion of marriage before that, but now they all sing a different tune.

Yes, it is an exciting event, but you gotta be 1000% sure, committed, and realistic about the massive amount of work it is to keep a marriage together in today's society. People also need to be aware of the risks (financial and otherwise).....I just think a lot of people get married way too young (OP is only in his mid-20's) and take the decision to get hitched too lightly. I don't go around telling people not to get married, but if someone is and asks for an opinion on the matter, mine is to not do it. I don't really care if that's not politically correct, everyone talks about marriages and weddings like it's all sunshine and roses, but the statistics show that close to 60% of people that get married DEFINITELY should not have. I'm just a realist about these matters.

OP, if you are 100% sure this is the right thing for you and you are ready to sign over all your independence at a young age, then ignore my jaded views and go for it and good luck! If you are having second thoughts though (which could be why you started this post), then it's better to consider those now and delay the event, than it is to realize too late that you made a mistake.

As everyone else said, he asked us not to be naysayers about marriage. Marriage is becoming one person. There are risks in everything on this planet. Trusting another person on the level of marriage is one of the boldest and hardest things to do in life. The rewards are great.

I married someone I loved when I was 31. I had known her for a year. I thought she was my best friend, lover, companion, support system and everything I thought i could want in a woman. There was one thing I over looked. I think it was my immaturity, my lack of self respect or worth, my wanting to be married and having children.... She asked me to marry her. I said yes and 3 weeks later we were married. What I didn't realize was that she wanted to marry me because I was a sweet guy and I treated her right. The problem is that, it was the only reason. SHe didn't love me, care for me, support me like I needed. She hit me, verbally abused me and ended up cheating on me. I lost my job and 3 months later the marriage ended. I was devastated, homeless (sorta, moved in with my best friend, his wife and two kids), and penniless.

Here I am, 4 or so years later. ready to propose to the most wonderful girl I have ever met. Why?! I get that questions a lot. People who I know that have gone through divorce and would never be married again.

For me, I can't wait to share my life with someone (obvi my girlfriend). Waking up together, making decisions together, and raising children together. There is nothing that makes me happier (with the exception of fantasy hockey of course).

I guess my point is: We all have stories, we all have our pain, our joy and our lives to live. Live your life with who you want and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. The perceptions of modern day society have no reflection on any one relationship. Follow your heart and you will be happy.

[suvojitde]

Lol! I never had any doubts. I just want tips on what makes a successful marriage.

If you put your partner before yourself and make an attempt to work at marriage together - Happy people.

With that attitude, your head and heart are already in the right place!

[Dutch]

There's gotta be a realist in this thread, after all, he asked......just sayin' my piece in case he is on the fence about it. The statistics on marriage failure speak for themselves, and I've seen many a buddy have their lives torn apart and themselves set back 10+ years financially after getting divorced only a few years in......none of them had a problem with the notion of marriage before that, but now they all sing a different tune.

Yes, it is an exciting event, but you gotta be 1000% sure, committed, and realistic about the massive amount of work it is to keep a marriage together in today's society. People also need to be aware of the risks (financial and otherwise).....I just think a lot of people get married way too young (OP is only in his mid-20's) and take the decision to get hitched too lightly. I don't go around telling people not to get married, but if someone is and asks for an opinion on the matter, mine is to not do it. I don't really care if that's not politically correct, everyone talks about marriages and weddings like it's all sunshine and roses, but the statistics show that close to 60% of people that get married DEFINITELY should not have. I'm just a realist about these matters.

OP, if you are 100% sure this is the right thing for you and you are ready to sign over all your independence at a young age, then ignore my jaded views and go for it and good luck! If you are having second thoughts though (which could be why you started this post), then it's better to consider those now and delay the event, than it is to realize too late that you made a mistake.

With all due respect, this sounds like you have a "quitters attitude"
Rather than work out your problems with your other half, its easier to just quit. With that attitude you could lose the best thing that ever walked in your life, without you knowing it.

To me this is just an immature stance.

I don't care about marriage one way or another really. I am not religious, but I am married. And I think proposing to your other half (especially if that other half is a woman) shows her you are in it for the real deal. Now, before I proposed I did have some "requirements" to be met. This sounds silly, but I wanted to make sure we really were on the same page. For example, one of my requirements was we go to Holland together, so I could see how she handled MY culture and where I come from. There were a couple other things, and once I had my "checklist" if you wanna call it that completed I proposed. More important than having a trophy wife, is a wife with similar interests. Now don't get me wrong, looks are important too, but you really gotta find a balance.

I think when you are married you will fight harder to make it work, than just "b/f, g/f" .

We've been married for 4 years and have some kids now. We communicate very well, and if we fight it is about absolutely useless stuff. We NEVER fight over finances, which is one of the keys to a successful marriage IMO.

And you know what, its good to fight with your spouse. If all you ever did was agree on everything, I don't believe that's right either. Yes, respect eachother, but don't be afraid to stand your ground once in a while. A good fight is good sometimes, and the make up part even better haha.

Anyways, I'm rambling a bit here, so I'll leave it at that.