Bondon: The Special.ist (ROAST)

[Pengwin7]

Subtitled: The November 21, 2012 Train Wreck Thread

Happy pre-US-Thanksgiving Day everybody!
I hope most of you take the day off tomorrow to watch some football and eat some turkey and (if in Canada) play hooky from work.

Our dear forum friend bondon (the artist formerly known as bzerondon) has just passed into the special 9950+ post realm.
Sure... there will be a 10K thread for the guy... but I thought it would be a nice holiday treat to have a ROAST of the bondon!

Some of you may have noticed that bondon's new avatar is that of Sylverster Stallone in the "Special.ist". I find this appealing for several reasons.

i) This website doesn't even allow us to write the full word spe******t. See, you can't see it. You have to write special.ist to get it past the filter... and yet that is his 9950-10,000 title! Love, love, love it!
b) We all know of bondon's great specialty in goalie forecasting. He is indeed the special.ist.
3rd) I have a feeling that bondon doesn't look a damn thing like Sly... but for now, I shall imagine that he does.


For my roast, I've decided to take the Wikipedia entry for the movie "The Special.ist" and modify it as I please to fit bondon's place in the Dobber Hockey community.

My replacement words are blue

*****
In 2011, fantasy-hockey experts working for the DobberHockey, Captain bondon and Colonel ericdaoust, are on a mission to blow up fellow DH members' fantasy goalie statistics. But when a newthread appears, a slanderous message is inside. Bondon insists they abort the mission but ericdaoust intends to see it through and allows the explosion to happen. Angered by the thread's direction, bondon beats ericdaoust up savagely and their partnership ends.

Years later, in Toronto, bondon is now available for hire as a {ahem - special.ist}. Desperate people contact him via the Internet and he only takes the cases that interest him. bondon specializes in "shaping" his forum posts, building and planting bombs that blow up fantasy hockey teams, leaving THE innocent bystander unharmed in his assumption that Alex Pietrangelo is the best defensemen in the universe.

Bondon answers ads placed by dyzfunctioned and speaks to him often to decide if he should take a very, very, very special job or not. During the talks he becomes intrigued by his story coupled with the fact that he sees how attractive he is while following him. He is the only child of past fantasy hockey fanatics who were killed by MT319 and his men. Against his better judgment and pushed by Dyz' insistence that he will infiltrate the forum with or without him, bondon is persuaded to do a very, very, very special job for him. Even though he has agreed, Dyz ingratiates himself into MT319's world as Magnum PI.

ericdaoust now works for hfboards, MT319' father and head of their non-sensical trainwreck one-liner organization. Once the lockout begins, they contact the Dobber to place ericdaoust in their writer group. Dyz tolerates MT319 and plays along as his girlfriend so he can learn about player-skill-sets one by one. It is revealed after the avatar war that Dyz has actually been forced into a partnership with ericdaoust, whose goal was to coax bondon out of hiding. After the very, very, very special job went wrong, ericdaoust lost his job writing about actual fantasy hockey.

When the trap for MT319 is set, Dyz is in the room. When MT319 is killed, it appears that Dyz was killed as well. When ericdaoust goes to bondon to pay his respects, he is left alive only so he can find bondon and bring him to Tequila Monster before MT319 is buried. Both bondon and ericdaoust believe that Dyz is dead, yet bondon still responds to the bulletin board messages. Once he responds to one, he finds is the one set up by ericdaoust and the train-wreck squad. When bondon realizes it, he taunts ericdaoust.

When he goes to the funeral of Magnum PI, bondon finds that Dyz is alive. He went to the funeral to see if bondon would attend. They go to an off-line website where they have intense {ahem, discussions}. In the shower, he reveals that he wanted to look at MT319's face while he died. They finish having {ahem, discussions} and Dyz leaves. Meanwhile, ericdaoust has gone to the forums and learns that the person editting all the trainwreck threads is not Dyz. Dyz runs into ericdaoust in the forum lobby and makes an excuse as to why he did not tell him that he was Magnum PI. A henchman, named Angus, is ordered to take Dyz to "The Lounge" and on the way he asks to visit the Prospects Forum. Once there, he uses a PDA to warn bondon. bondon rigs the Lounge to explode into trainwreck threads, and when ericdaoust's henchmen enter the room, it detonates, breaking the entire lounge off into the baseball forum.

In a final showdown, bondon and dyz are cornered in his own booby-trapped goalie prediction thread. ericdaoust pursues them, but is done in by his own hubris when he steps on a bomm-bastic. After the entire Dobber website goes up due to the chain of exploding trainwreck threads, it appears that all inside have given up on this ridiculous lockout.

The next day Tequila Monster reads about the incident at DobberHockey. He then opens the mail brought to him and finds a stunning McDonald's hologram and McRib sandwich. It contains a picture of Sidney Crosby and then explodes. After hearing the blast and knowing all responsible for her lockout are dead, bondon asks how Dyz feels. To which Dyz responds, "Have you heard this song yet?"


Gobble, gobble.
Train wreck... hooooooooo....

[ericdaoust]

Wow, how the hell did you find out how I actually made it on the writing team???

Every bit of it is true, except for the part where I write about actual fantasy hockey. I just spin bullshit numbers.

[Loch]

Wow... just wow.

Ah bondon all hope, the end is nigh!

[aleco83]

Mr. Pengwin7, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

[Bomm Bastic]

Ha! Fun......

[ahem...]

Old Man Bondon (sung to the tune of Stairway to Heaven)
by Bomm Bastic (not really)

Now old man bondon was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

[much applause]

p.s. you're a fool if you really attempted to pair that limerick to Stairway to Heaven

[Axeman33]

Ha! Fun......

[ahem...]

Old Man Bondon (sung to the tune of Stairway to Heaven)
by Bomm Bastic (not really)

Now old man bondon was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

[much applause]

p.s. you're a fool if you really attempted to pair that limerick to Stairway to Heaven

I can honestly say I did attempt it, but it failed miserably.

[metaldude26]

I cannot wait to see how bondon ruins this masterpiece.

[ericdaoust]

I cannot wait to see how bondon ruins this masterpiece.

This thread is not a goalie so he cannot ruin it.

[metaldude26]

This thread is not a goalie so he cannot ruin it.

Bondon's powers of destruction may specialize in goaltending but they are not limited to the masked arts.

[ericdaoust]

Bondon's powers of destruction may specialize in goaltending but they are not limited to the masked arts.

Has anyone followed Bondon's activity in the baseball forum? I wonder if it's a catching glove thing.

[NoWayOut]

Why did I click on the song link in P7's post? Why? Pardon me while I go stick my head in a wood chipper. I know it's a drastic step but I can't go on with that damn song stuck in my head.

[Bomm Bastic]

Got another....

[ahem...]

Bondon a bloke found on Dobber
His goalie stats oft he did slobber
Upon one such inquiry
He waxed until weary
Until dyzfunctioned then did clobber

[Loch]

Got another....

[ahem...]

Bondon a bloke found on Dobber
His goalie stats oft he did slobber
Upon one such inquiry
He waxed until weary
Until dyzfunctioned then did clobber

God I hope you didn't propose to Mrs. Bomm with poetry... (given that she married you I'd say it is a fair bet that you didn't)

[Bomm Bastic]

God I hope you didn't propose to Mrs. Bomm with poetry... (given that she married you I'd say it is a fair bet that you didn't)

lol...what you no like?!?

Keats ain't got nuthin' on me baby!

[ericdaoust]

BTW I wrote earlier this morning that we need more trainwreck threads. This is not what I had in mind.